A relationship is just another way to discover ourselves in relation to another being. We often create a cover made of the elements we believe the other one might like and we hide our true features under a make-up layer. We stifle these reactions turning them against us like some weapons; we then try to annihilate and process.
But, our organism is not prepared for that amount of shortage when it comes to love. And its cells get intoxicated one at a time.
We become more and more untrue and we create small niches to forcefully eliminate the negative within ourselves. Being it by furious outbursts, or by pathetic look, or by grey thoughts running around in circles, without rest.
Nothings seems to be ever mending, the artificial builds a castle inside ourselves and puts up a sign to comply with the “normality”. The frustration of giving up and giving in all the time is the most dangerous fuel for future mistakes. For becoming bitter and bad. For self-punishment in every possible way. You walk along with yourself although it mutilates you, because you have the conviction that if you act according with your feelings, if you do what you believe in, if you are you, the others will not “recognize” you anymore, they will not “like” you anymore. You come to believe that paying with yourself is a fair trade to be accepted; to be worthy; to please the others.
It comes a day when the ones in your relationships are no longer pleased with your image; the one you paid the high price of your frustrations for. And you just don’t “get” them. If you do what you want, if you do for yourself you will be considered to be selfish and not worthy of that relationship. If you do what they want you to do, it will still not be enough. What can you penetrate this dilemma?
If you want to find out what you deserve from life and from a relationship, you need to know yourself, to respect and love yourself first. You need to know you deserve it, you need to expect everything you deserve and to know how to receive it. If you are looking for somebody to love you without you loving yourself first, something will always be missing from that relationship. YOU will be missing. Because not following your heart you will not have the chance to build yourself, to fulfill yourself, to be you. You will always be the PLEASER, the one who jumps for rescue, the one silently crying for attention; you will be the one not having an “I” to invest in and thus living parts of others’ lives. But, this mosaic will fall apart and get dissolved along with every character’s departure.
Behind it, the void. The nothing. The emptiness. What it is left is the fear to discover that there is nothing. Everything has been given away. Everything is wind.
Instead of the servant offering himself to whoever desires or doesn’t desire, choose to build yourself. To discover yourself. To understand yourself. To respect yourself. Choose to be path to follow for others. Thus, you will not need to tell others how to be, how to behave, how to listen to you. They will follow you by their own will, they will admire you. You will be their raw model.
But first you have to be your own role model. And you need to build a beautiful relationship with yourself.
Photo: Mirrored reflection by Lotta